Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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