dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
