You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
