I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
