I feel like abortions should bother me more
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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