covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
