How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
