So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
