when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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