i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
