Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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