love makes seman taste better
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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