Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
