just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
