don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
