hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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