He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
