I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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