I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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