Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
zippers are such a cool invention
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
