Swine flu. Run for my life!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
