We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
