It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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