First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
