I just saw a hot homeless man
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want to make out with him forever
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
