There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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