I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
