my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
