and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
