She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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