I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
