So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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