We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
