I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
