please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
