I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
