what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
