Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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