Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
