fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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