I need help removing her.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
