just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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