She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i dont even know how to be here
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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