If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
