The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
