remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
