I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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