I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
