well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
