Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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